Goal-Setting for Children

Even though it’s only mid-December and the biggest event of the year is still ten days away, I find myself already looking toward the new year. I’m not big on making resolutions, but I do like to use the fresh year as a kicking-off-point for new habits or emphases. If you’re the same, you know it takes forethought and prayerful consideration to implement meaningful change—in ourselves and in our children.

In Shepherding a Child’s Heart (which I also mentioned last week), Tedd Tripp offers guidance on how and why we, as parents, should set goals for our children. There’s no need to rehash that. Let’s look instead at what sort of goals we might set for our children.

In my parenting, I often come back to this one verse.

And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man. -Luke 2:52

(I wrote about Luke 2:52 as a guide for prayer in the past.) When we think about the young Jesus, we know he didn’t grow up in a vacuum. Joseph, Mary, and others influenced his maturity. I’m a little jealous; that must have been the easiest parenting job ever! For the rest of us parents—the ones raising non-God-incarnate children—it’s even more important to intentionally influence every facet of our children’s maturation.

This verse provides us with four areas of growth. Applied to goal-setting, the short version looks like this:

1 achievement, 1 skill, 1 spiritual growth, 1 relationship

Let’s brainstorm some ideas.

Wisdom: intellectual development

violin-close-up
music lessons (c) Carole Sparks

Set one goal related to their education, learning, or other thinking/mental skills. This could be a skill or an achievement. Some possibilities:

  • Learn to read chapter books.
  • Improve average grade (overall or in one subject) by one letter grade.
  • Attend a special class or camp that emphasizes an area of personal interest such as environmental sciences, computer coding, painting, soccer, etc.
  • Learn to play an instrument or, if they already play, learn a significantly more difficult piece.
  • Learn another language such as sign language or Spanish. Connect this with their social development by finding someone they would like to talk with.

Stature: physical development

gymnastics-assist
gymnastics assist (c) Carole Sparks

There’s not much we or our children can do about their height or shoe size, but we can help them practice a healthy lifestyle or improve their fitness. Set one goal related to their physical development, also either a skill or an achievement. Something like…

  • Learn to ride a bike.
  • Learn a new sport.
  • Achieve a new level in their existing sport. For example, earn the next belt in karate or make the varsity team in his/her sport.
  • Accomplish a fitness goal such as running a 10-minute mile.
  • Learn to eat three new healthy foods.
  • Learn to cook something specific, learn a certain type of cooking, or learn how to do some household chore. (Don’t just say “learn to cook.” That’s too broad to measure.) Last year, my oldest learned to use the washer and dryer. This year, maybe we’ll focusing on cooking some simple dishes.

Favor with God: spiritual development

11-21 read Bible story (2)
(c) Carole Sparks

How can we help our children grow closer to God through the year? Consider one of these or something else that fits your child’s interests and current maturity level.

  • Become consistent in having a daily quiet time or personal devotion.
  • Memorize a certain number of Bible verses. (Personally, I’m planning to memorize twenty-four passages in 2017!)
  • Work on one aspect of the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) such as kindness or self-control. This one will take some extra effort on your part, parent, to find actions and/or practices specifically targeting this one thing.
  • Begin paying attention and/or taking notes in “big church.” Start with once/month or five minutes/sermon.
  • Learn a certain number of Bible stories (great for younger children). Maybe one per month?
  • Improve upon one spiritual discipline such as meditation or generosity (great for older children).
  • Read a certain numbers of books related to spiritual growth. I’m challenging my teen to read one non-fiction book per month, mostly faith-based. John Piper’s Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ is a great one for thinking teens to start with.

Favor with Man: social development

02-17-jo-hangs-with-big-boys-2
kid spectators (c) Carole Sparks

Without a little encouragement, our children fall into relationship ruts just like we do. Talk with them about how they want to grow this coming year. Some options might be…

  • Intentionally make a new friend at school or church.
  • Reconcile with someone they don’t like or with whom they had a fight. This starts with praying for that person.
  • Learn how to make “small talk” with adults.
  • Compliment/encourage someone every day.
  • Learn another language so they can talk to someone in that person’s “heart language.” (See intellectual development above.)
  • Learn a technique for diffusing conflict—one they can practice with siblings.

 

As you look toward 2017, pray through what sort of goals God is leading you to set regarding your children. Ask Him to reveal areas where they need purposeful intervention, bringing them into the conversation at an appropriate level. For my older children, they fully participate in the process, but younger children may need more guidance from you.

After you’ve set your goals, don’t just leave them at the level of ideas. Goals need action plans or steps toward fulfillment. Sit down with your kids and discuss the small steps that will lead to big growth in 2017. Look at your own life, too. We have to model before we can teach. This is why I’m signing up to learn twenty-four Bible passages this year. I need accountability for my own spiritual growth, and I want to model the importance of Scripture memory to my children.

And finally, follow up! Through the year, revisit the goals. Are you seeing growth? Do you need to adjust something? Are they experiencing the difference? Encourage them to stay faithful to the task…and you stay faithful, too. Jesus grew up at the same rate that our children do. He didn’t achieve wisdom, stature, and favor with God and man in one day or even one year. This is an eighteen-year process, parents!

Then celebrate at the end of 2017! Recognize your children’s achievements. Talk about how they’ve grown and what changes you’ve seen.

As you anticipate Intentional Parenting in 2017, I pray this brainstorming session helps you set significant, achievable goals for and with your children. If you’ve been encouraged, please share this post using the tweet below.

4 #IntentionalParenting goals to help our children grow in #2017.

What goals are you setting in 2017 for your children or for yourself as a parent? Join this brainstorming session (in the comments below), and you’ll be helping us all!

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Parents, Embrace the Now

One of my children often asks me, “Mom, what was your favorite age for us?” And I always say the same thing: “I’ve loved every age you’ve ever been, and right now is the best!” In truth, the age of nine wasn’t my favorite with either one, but there were enjoyable elements even then.

It’s easy, especially when your kids are in the “terrible twos” or that smart-aleck almost-tween age, to wish that “phase” completed. We set our sights longingly on some future day when “things will be better.” But the truth is more balanced and more practical. Every age of every child has good and bad elements.

If we’re going to do the Intentional Parenting thing and be obedient to verses like these below, we need some kind of game plan.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  -Ephesians 4:29

But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today.”  -Hebrews 3:13a

Turns out, it’s relatively simple: embrace what’s happening right now.

So don’t get caught up waiting for the kids to be potty-trained or start Kindergarten or have a driver’s license so you can stop chauffeuring them everywhere. Instead, embrace the now: Actively search for things to enjoy at the age your children are right now. Focus on that. Focus on making memories and laughing and affirming your love for them. This kind of focus will carry both you and your children through the…lets call them “rough patches” (like 9-years-old was for me).

While you’re enjoying what you have right now, watch for how God is working in and through your children—working for their spiritual growth and for yours!

Interactive idea: Look through some old pictures with your children. Tell them a funny story about themselves or just talk about what you loved about them when they were that age…and that age…and that age. If your children are grown (or close to it), consider making a scrapbook—manually or digitally—with a picture of them from each year. Use candid photos you took rather than staged school or portrait studio photos. Include a hand-written note with a special memory from that time—the kind of memories that can’t be caught in a photo. It doesn’t need to be something important, just something treasured.

That’s all I have to say today. Not because I don’t have time to write more but because you’ll need to supply your own examples here. Take the extra minutes you would have spent reading this post (because it’s usually longer!) and recall something you loved about your child when they were two or three years old.

Parents, stop wishing for the end of this “phase” and Embrace the Now! (click to tweet)

Have something you really loved about your child at a certain age? Please share it in the comments below. Your words could encourage another parent who’s facing that time right now!

Scary Social Situation? Be BRAVE.

It’s one thing to say, “Be brave,” but quite another to equip our children for social situations that require courage. Here’s a great acrostic (using the letters in brave) to help you coach your children through those scary social situations that come up during summer camps and events. But first, some background…

Music camp: My so-tall-for-her-age, introverted daughter squared her shoulders, threw her very-unique violin case over her shoulder and said, “Bye, Mom” as she turned toward the auditorium doors. She knew not even one of the over two hundred students inside. I had to hold my other child’s hand just to stop myself from walking in with her.

Sports camp: My long-haired, tall and skinny son who has never played basketball before in his life finished his registration and marched right into the university arena with other boys his age who’ve played for years. I knew I would want to pull aside one of those massive college players and explain his situation or tell him to watch out for my son. This one was so hard that I couldn’t even do it. My husband signed him in.

This is what summer is for! New experiences, stretching existing skills, growing in ways the school year doesn’t often permit. Oh, I’m not talking about the kids; I’m talking about me!

We must give our children opportunities to be brave. As they age, they need to start practicing their reactions to socially scary situations. They need to learn to interact with new people without a parent’s intervention. They can be successful…and we can help!

Take these five prompts and adjust them for the age and personality of your child, then square your own shoulders and smile as he or she walks into that room full of strangers! Not that he’ll look back. The smile is so the other parents don’t know how apprehensive you are.

Brainstorm a few conversation starters.

This one’s mostly for introverts. At school, it’s easy to strike up a conversation because the environment is familiar. You talk about the teacher or the classroom or the other students. But in a brand new place, she may “draw a blank” when she sits down beside someone. The day before, brainstorm with her and let her practice a couple of not-over-the-top ways to say hi. Encourage her to find someone else who looks like she’s alone and try out one of her lines there.

Remind him to be kind or generous.

In an uncertain situation, it’s natural to start reacting defensively. But selfish people don’t make friends. Present a couple of relevant case studies (you don’t have to call them that) in which he can make a decision beforehand about how he will act. For basketball camp, we could have asked, “What will you do if you and another boy arrive at the back of the line at the same time?” The best answer would have been to let the other boy go in front of him.

Ask her about the experience afterward.

Be ready with questions when she’s ready to talk. For some, that’s as soon as they walk out, for others, there’s a need to process first. Ask about who she met, what was hardest about the day, what she enjoyed the most. Also give her some extra time to rest. Even if she’s an extrovert, she’s probably exhausted after so much newness.

Verify God’s constant presence.

Not only will you be thinking of him and praying for him the whole time he’s gone, but God Himself goes before him and beside him. His confidence comes from who he is in Christ, not from how many people laugh at his joke. I like to write Bible verses on my kids’ mirror with a dry erase marker. I would choose something like Isaiah 41:13 or Joshua 1:9. Sure, it’s not “the valley of the shadow of death,” but Psalm 23:4 would work, too.

Encourage her every day.

Remind her of a previous situation in which she showed courage, even if it seems unrelated. After the first day, tell her how brave she was for walking in alone. Tell her you’re proud of her for trying something without any of her friends around. Point out something she did well or something she learned from the experience—not just the training (i.e. violin or basketball) but socially as well. Tell her about a time when you had to “go it alone.”

With these BRAVE prompts, your children can navigate scary social situations this summer! (click to tweet) And you can relax with your favorite coping mechanism while they’re gone. Mine is coffee.

scary social situation

How do you help your children navigate new social situations? Do you use a particular verse to encourage them? Please share in the comments below!

 

Encouraging Words for the Anxious Mom (guest post)

I'm so happy to introduce you all to Lisa Brown today. She maintains a blog for
moms, but it often ventures into other related areas (such as writing). I know
you'll appreciate this encouraging story of God's faithfulness in her family life.
Then, read more about Lisa and connect with her at the end of the post.

Sunday afternoon I received a phone call from my husband while washing dishes and making meat loaf with my five-year-old daughter. He called to let me know that he was heading home with my son from Boy Scout camp. I was so thankful that everything went well.

Before they left Friday evening for camping, I was worried that something bad was going to happen to them. This was the first time they had gone on a campout without my daughter and me.  Anxiety tried to swallow me up and it took everything in me to stay focused. Anxiety paralyzes me and floods my mind with unwanted thoughts.

I feared they would get in a car crash…or a bear would attack them…or they would get separated.  My imagination got carried away. I had a choice to make, and that was to either spiral down into a pit of darkness or keep my eyes on God.

I gave God my dreadful thoughts and as a result I had a wonderful time with my daughter.  

After I hung up the phone on Sunday, I took a moment to reflect on my weekend. Just thinking about it filled me with an unexplainable joy. We had so many sweet moments, and we connected so well.   Anxiety had no control over me.

Before they left on Friday evening I took Kaylee shopping and we bought red roses for our table, soap that smells wonderful, and a chocolate candy bar. We delighted ourselves in laughter, and the anticipation of an enjoyable weekend without the boys brought us closer together. This warmed my heart and gave me strength to push through the scary thoughts I was struggling with.

On Friday night—our first night alone—we decorated a jewelry box and made jewelry.  Together our hearts danced!

 I allowed myself to enjoy being in the moment. Together we giggled as we chased each other through the house playing tag and hide-and-go seek. We had a sleep over and breakfast in my bed. Life couldn’t get any better than this.

I felt God calm my anxious heart and fill me with His joy: a joy that comes from love and laughter. I’m so glad I didn’t let worry get the best of me. It was so nice not to be weighed down and depressed.

I have accepted that there are things in my life that I cannot control. I have decided to trust God. He knows everything and He is in control.

Lisa-ballerina 2
photo credit: pixabay

The word of God tells us in Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV),

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Dear Mom, give your concerns to God. He wants to give you peace and joy. Ask Him to come into your mind when worrisome thoughts threaten you. Be still and know that He is with you.

CLICK TO TWEET: Moms, ask God to come into your mind when worrisome thoughts threaten you.

Lisa BrownLisa Brown lives in Colorado with her husband and two kids. She writes on both of her blogs about Christian Living, Parenting, and Homeschooling.  Connect with Lisa through Me Too Moments For Moms or Gathering Place For Sisters In Christ.

 

When Not to Worry (Guest Post)

Carole here. You’re going to enjoy my writer friend Hannah. I first met her overseas, where she recognized the writer in me before I had the guts to say it out loud! Hannah is a very intentional parent who juggles homeschooling, writing, a cello, and much more. A few months ago, she shared these thoughts about that version of worry special to parenting, something with which most of us can identify. So I give you this re-post. Learn more about Hannah at the end.

When we become mothers, women who were once carefree or serious or focused find ourselves turning angsty over all that could go wrong in the lives of our children.  We seem to stress in direct proportion to how big we feel our job is.

And I think we all agree:  it’s big.

In earlier generations, moms cared about their kids but didn’t assume they needed to be their little darlings’ entire universes.  Frankly, they didn’t think it was healthy for the kids or themselves.  But add busier-than-ever parents plus guilt plus more things to worry about (thank you, Internet.  No, really) and you’ve got a recipe for defensive, burned-out mothering from the word go.

Homeschooling does not make a mom immune to inner and outer kvetching.  It can help to turn down the temperature on our worries in some ways, only because we’re spending a lot of time with our kids, and we can sort-of take stock of how they’re doing throughout the day.  But it also presents a whole new list of things to question whether we (and they) are doing well.

In spite of all that, I’m happy with the way this school-and-mothering year is unfolding.  My oldest son turns 14 tomorrow.  I have another one who’ll be 13 in the blink of an eye, and an 11-year-old daughter who looks like a freshman.  We have had, and will have, our fair share of difficulties, new things about which to wonder, problems that will arise.

Believe me, I know.

But, looking back, lots of my parenting worries throughout the last fourteen years have not come true.  Most haven’t, in fact.  The kids are doing well, by the grace of God.  They’re turning out in spite of my failures both as a teacher and as a mom.

I want to offer encouragement in case some of you have younger kids and are tempted to worry, too.  Just keep showing up, loving them, praying for them, enjoying the time you have with them as much as is possible.

Refuse to give in to the temptation to fret.

In the end, most of what you worry about won’t come true.  And, honestly, even if some of it does, it will still be OK.

Hannah

Hannah Vanderpool is a writer, traveler, and mom/teacher to three interesting middle schoolers. Connect with Hannah on her blog.